New Year, Same Me
by BooksThatareMoviesThatareOnTV
Summary: Every New Year there are resolutions made that are filled with passion and devotion, only to end up in a corner like the leftover Chinese food you said you were going to eat but saw something better. Something different, like Mexican. Unfortunately, reality pushes you into an ice cold bath and laughs as your hope shrivels up like a cold set of balls.


**May I just say, this is a just a string of thoughts that don't necessarily pertain to myself. It's almost like a free verse monologue from one of the characters. I guess I just I wanted to try this writing style. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry for mistakes, this tablet sucks at times. **

**~Kay**

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><p><strong>New Year, Same Me<strong>

Like all things, New Year is a time to hope for a new outcome, a new destination

A new you

Unfortunately, reality pushes you into an ice cold bath and laughs as your hope shrivels up like a cold set of balls

All this "New year, New me" talk is kind of getting on my nerves at this point,

Because I've tried it multiple times and let me tell you,

If I could change myself in just one day,

I would have been cuddling with my "boo thang" with some cocoa by the fire,

But I guess I'll just settle for saying goodnight to Boo and Boo's boo outside their window.

The latest social media frenzy has been about dropping bad people and bad habits,

But when I look around, the only thing I have to drop is a box of Ding Dongs

(And not the fun kind)

Speaking of dropping those diabetus how to guides,

I was supposed to do that last year

And the year before that,

And the year before the year before… (you see where I'm going with this)

Like millions of Americans when thinking about working out,

I imagine myself on one of those weight loss specials on TLC,

But somehow the producers (meaning myself) get a little off script,

And the only TLC special I get is "19 Cookies and Counting"

Really and truly, we've all got to face it at one point;

Lifting a box of Debbie Cakes is a lot easier than lifting weights.

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><p><em><strong>Breakdown of New Year dietary plans and carry out: <strong>_

_(Second person because I don't want you all to think this is my personal experience_… _because it's not. Runway would never be assoassociated with this catastrophe. )_

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><p>January 1st, everything starts off perfect<p>

You can wake up with a pounding headache and blurry vision while smiling like a fool

Because you know that your diet is going to actually work this year

On the 2nd, you're already working up a sweat at six a.m.

Having grains and 2% milk for breakfast and everything is going great

Until January twenty third

Jimmy, who works in some cubicle you can never seem to find, gets a promotion

He invites everyone to come for a celebratory dinner at the steak house

_It's alright_' you tell yourself as you order a salad and eat one roll,

No butter

As you laugh with your friends you try to ignore the sweet smell of home,

A.K.A. fat

You nibble on your rabbit food and pray that God ends your suffering,

But when Tom's 6 oz steak comes sizzling hot and drizzling with confidence,

Like it _knows _ it's wanted by everybody in the room,

You take it into your own hands to end the silent torture,

Thus becoming a con artist

You fool yourself with words and false pretenses,

Twisting the truth into looking something like what you want to see

And like the sickest of bastards, you use your Bible-thumping southern logic,

It's obvious that God made man and He made animals too,

But why eat like a little animal if He made you man?

It makes no sense to deny God's purpose as man and eat rabbit food

The Word says to obey God and His will over your life;

Eat. Like. Man.

So you forgo the salad as your Christian duty and get that big, juicy steak,

Thanking God for what He put on the earth with love and kindness

The Good Book clearly says eat five loaves of bread and two fish,

So you add that on the menu for carry out.

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><p>That, my friend, is how a resolution crumbles like the crust of grandma's pie,<p>

Which in fact is what I'm eating as I sit here at this very moment.

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><p>New Year's resolutions are not all about the weight,<p>

No, it's about much more than that

They say a new year could be the start of new love,

And in the past year I found that special someone and released a box doves

But on December 31st I discovered that the someone special was Netflix

And the doves just ended up being the family pack of soap I bought at the Costco

Then there are the self made promises to get into politics,

But I shut that down when I realized that from monkeys and cavemen,

Politicians had yet to evolve

Nancy Grace was also a reason I turned off the news…

Okay, you got me so stop giving me that look,

I'll stop lying

She was the _main_ reason why I turned off the news

She scares me with her aggression and that damned finger

And the faces she makes when she goes into banshee mode

Also the hair because that's just a mess that's as hot as Grandma's… never mind

Gosh, I'm an asshole sometimes

That's something I've been trying to change for years

Even as a young child I said that I was going to try to be nicer,

Try to be less honest because the truth hurts,

Especially if a six year old child comes up to a woman with their hand up their nose,

Asking why she didn't get in trouble for spilling paint all over her face

Because the last time said child put paint all over their face they got a spanking

Said child was me I

Anyway

I began this new journey that would be void of judging outside of work

It went great for about forty five minutes, an hour tops

So soon, you ask?

Yes, all because I needed to pick up some water from Walmart

As soon as I stepped through the door any previous notion of kindness was gone

There was this lady walking around in a tiger suit

No, I'm not talking about the cute little Disney character

I'm talking about a full, skintight body suit with tiger stripes all over

I mean every inch of her body from the neck down was suffocating

And her face had little whiskers on it and the nose had a black tip

You may think it's Halloween and that I'm still being an asshole

But oh no, this was nowhere near Halloween

So you can't blame me for the horrible thoughts that ran through my mind

I'm saying this was in July, as in Independence Day weekend

And I know the one thing she wasn't free of was a yeast infection

Ugh, I need Jesus…

For a years I've said that I was going to start reading the Bible more,

Yet somehow fanfiction and Scandal came into play

Last year would have watched CNN and kept up with what was going on with the Pope,

But when I turned on the TV I had to find out who was trying to kill Olivia Pope

I'm was so sure I would actually read a scripture a day,

It's just this damned procrastination that keeps fucking things up

So it ends up being a scripture of the week or month instead of the day

By the way, am I allowed to to say 'fucking' when I speak about the Bible?

Either way, I also said I would stop procrastinating

That was a lie and so are the seemingly minuscule promises made each year

An example is remembering to brush your teeth every day and night

But who can really focus on those tiny bones when they're binging on Game of Thrones?

Really the only person I can thank for good dental care is Pennsatucky

Because her teeth are worse than everything else she has going on

And that's motivation,

Now if there were motivation to get my financial struggles together,

No threats of being under a bridge and in a box deter me,

Why?

No one would ever know I actually lived in the Closet,it's practically my job anyway.

Blankets and ding dongs, honey, blankets and ding dongs.

I would like to explain more about my failures,

But I'm afraid there's a video of squirrels fucking and I gotta watch it while the office is empty,

I cant be seen having fun

So we'll talk later, alright?

Happy New Year!

_... Dear God, that's fucked. Literally._

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><p><strong>OKAYYYYY! lol, I'm still not sure what possessed me to write that. But if you liked it, please review. If you have the name of a good therapist, please review. <strong>

**lol, happy New Year.**


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